St. Louis Weather Sucks

Thank God For Google

2010-01-25T19:32:00Z

The last time we saw the sun in St. Louis, Al Roker was still really fat. So, I asked my five year old son to draw me a picture of it for my wall. Imagine my surprise when he responded with, "What's the sun?"

When I explained to him that there are some places in the world where people can actually look up in the sky and see a bright, burning ball of fire, he began laughing hysterically and said, " Dad! Is this like the flying elephant story?"

Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.... No problem! But, try to convince a kindergartener living in St. Louis that there is a SUN?
No way!

So I Googled it.

It would have been easy enough to just type in "SUN", but instead I entered "Elvis is still alive and other myths" and sure enough "The sun in St. Louis" came right up.

For the next hour the two of us marveled at my laptop screen. My son's face had the same look of disbelief as when I told him what hot dogs were really made of.

Finally he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, is there really a sun?"

"Yes," I answered. "Yes, there really is a Santa Clau... uh, I mean - sun."

But as we know.... Just not in St. Louis.

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

The T-Shirts Are Out!

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here!!

Vitamin D and Stupid Cyclists

2009-11-17T22:36:00Z

As we all know, sunlight is an essential source of Vitamin D.

While doing a recent web search, I found lists ( yes, plural ) of diseases that are attributed to a LACK of Vitamin D.

They include:

Alzheimer’s and parkinson’s disease, allergies, autism, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, blood clotting problems, bone and muscle pain, cancer of the colon, breast, skin and prostate, deafness, obesity, osteoporosis, rickets, PMS,  psoriasis, rheumatoid arthritis, thyroid problems, vision loss, depression, (FOR SURE!),  diabetes, type I and II, gluten intolerance, heart disease, infertility, sexual dysfunction , immune deficiency, infections, lack of sleep, gum diseases.... Even.....

DEATH!... .....

Hell, the lists goes on and on. This brings me to the point that ANYBODY in the medical and health care profession should seriously consider relocating to St. Louis. Our perpetual lack of sunlight, and therefore Vitamin D, should provide you with a wealth of sick people derived from every disease imaginable.

It rained again today. It was dark and cold too.

That didn't stop the cyclists though. They were still out riding their bicycles in the downpours.

I have a question about cyclists. Why do they all need to dress up like "Power Rangers" to ride their bicycles? I mean, I'm a runner, but I don't feel the need to dress up like a Japanese action hero to go for a jog.

The space trooper helmet.... Captain America eye goggles.... and of course, the ever colorful spandex Marvel Comics outfit. Who in the hell came up with this?

But, they obviously DO feel invincible!

Why else would they ride their bicycles in the middle of busy streets, as if they had the same density as tailgating semis? See, runners stay on the "SIDE" of the road. If we were to take the cyclists approach and feel deserving enough to run in the middle of AUTOMOBILE traffic, we wouldn't be runners at all.

We'd be bumper stickers.

What is it with these goofy cyclists? Could it be the lack of Vitamin D?

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

The New T-Shirt Line Is Out!

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here!!

4 Seconds

2009-10-29T20:06:00Z

Wow! We sure have tons of visitors today!

Could it be the fact that you would stay drier by jumping into a swimming pool, than walking outside into the St. Louis Weather hell hole?

We had 4 brief seconds of sunshine yesterday and everybody ran out in the street with cameras, so they could document the event that happens about as often as Haley's Comet. Don't worry. It's dark and flooding again!

I've decided that this is the "norm".

A lot of places have reasonable weather with a brief run in with crap skies, but St. Louis is just the opposite. Enjoying nice weather in St. Louis is pretty much the equivalent of sex. It's great for 4 seconds, but don't think it's going to happen every day!

New stuff and clothes on the way next week.

Stay tuned!!!!

"They"

2009-10-12T22:45:00Z

They ( whoever the hell, "they" are ) say that black and gray goes with everything.

That means that St. Louis weather goes with everything, too!

Hooray for all of us!

Be ready for the new Halloween debut.

New Party

2009-10-08T21:48:00Z

Well, it's time to get this party started again.

The St. Louis weather is definitely back in "suck mode", so I'm looking forward to a long and depressing several months.

I'm working on something brand new! We have other weather sucks cities across the country that will be joining us. Plus, I'm going to be needing some guest contributors.

Could that be you?

More details to follow and a complete blog overhaul is in the making - stay tuned!

We debut Halloween Oct. 31!

My Family Room Window

2009-06-16T15:20:00Z

Hi Everybody!

Well, just another day of suck filled St. Louis weather! But, look at this!

This is a picture of my front yard from my family room window! Notice the catfish and bass swimming next to the dogwood trunk?

It's rained non-stop now since.... Well, April of 2007 I believe.

Gotta go! The mailman just showed up in a kayak and I'm hoping my new scuba gear is here!

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here!!

Two Words

2009-05-08T16:23:00Z

I'm moving.

This place is the biggest weather hell hole in the world, and I give up.

You win, perpetual dark, miserable, wet, dreary, disgusting St.Louis weather.

See you later folks.

Bull Economy

2009-04-19T22:22:00Z

Wow! I definitely think we can all agree that the weekend of April 18, sucked more than ever!

Constant rain, wind, gloom and darkness. It has succeeded in making me more sick than a Miley Cyrus movie.

I have to tell you, I've had a hard time keeping up with my entries. That's because keeping up with reporting on how bad the St. Louis weather is, is sort of like Willard Scott trying to keep up with a Ferrari - on foot!

But, today I'm going to do my best. The economy may be dark and miserable, but compared to St. Louis weather we're living in a bull market and the St. Louis weather is bull - shit.

Other People's Useless Crap

2009-01-27T20:18:00Z

January 27-- Man, the weather REALLY sucks today! Snow, sleet, ice, freezing wind.... the only thing that bites more than the St. Louis weather is the St. Louis economy. Actually, they're pretty even.

Good news though! Last Sunday when a butt load of snow began plastering us, my wife finally agreed that we could move away from this weather hell hole! There was a stipulation of course. We can't pack up and go until my oldest son finishes high school. He's only 13 though and I'm anxious. So, I'm going to home school him for a week and take him someplace to get his GED.

But in the meantime I'm back to chiseling the ice off of my frozen car in the driveway.

There's a reason why my car is getting pelted by sleet in the driveway too.... It's because I can't fit it in our garage.

There's a reason why I can't fit it in the garage too....It's because my garage is filled with other people's useless crap.

It seems that whenever somebody we know wants to get rid of their useless crap, they give it to us. And here's the best part.... they seem to think they're doing us a "big favor"!

Take a look.. Here's a picture of my happy family inside our garage filled with other people's useless crap.

Couches, refrigerators, cabinets, deer heads, broken treadmills.... you name it, it's all in our garage and it's all other people's useless crap.

"Hey Todd! I'm getting rid of my broken turkey deep fryer and thought you'd want it."

"Todd, I just bought a new lawn mower and thought you'd like my old broken one without any wheels left. Want me to drag it into your garage next the broken stereo speakers I "gave" you last week?"

And so it goes.

So thanks to everybody generously giving me their useless crap I'm stuck trying to chip two inches of ice off of my windshield with somebody's broken gardening shovel I found in my garage.

But that's all changing soon. I'm out of here, and for my next place where it's warm, a garage won't be necessary.

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here!!

ZERO

2009-01-15T14:57:00Z

Jan 15-- Well, it's ZERO degrees outside and all of the squirrels are frozen stiff in the trees. The people on the news keep preaching to us to check on the elderly, but I say if you've lived for 80 or 90 years and still haven't learned when it's time to put on a coat, it's a lost cause.

Speaking of ZERO, you may have noticed that I've had ZERO entries lately. That's because I've been busy researching cities to move to that have better weather than St.Louis and had no idea that the number was in the high thousands.

That's going to change though, now that we're into freezing weather crap high season. Unfortunately, even though it's ZERO degrees outside, we're missing yesterday's 100 mph gale force winds to go with it. That would have surely brought the wind chill factor down to at least 99 below ZERO.

Can't be greedy though.

Every year at this time I decide that I've had it with this depressing weather hell hole and moving. So, I begin my ritual of sifting through the hundreds of pieces of promotional crap that I receive from practically every real estate agent in the city.

I receive so much junk from real estate agents asking me if I want to sell my house, that I'm pretty sure one of my neighbors has it out for me and wants me to move.

Calendars....Note Pads....Door Hangers....Magnets....

And, every time I receive a new piece of realtor waste I think the same thing. Why do real estate agents feel compelled to put their stupid picture on everything? Like, I'm going to buy or sell a house from who had the best experience at Glamour Shots?

"Gee Bob, I was willing to pay thousands of dollars more for this new house and I'm ready to buy today, but unfortunately you're about as photogenic as a baboon's butt with hemmoroids..... Nope! I'm going to buy the house from Jill! You should see how hot she looks on my refrigerator magnet...."

Well, I'm getting frostbite even though I'm sitting inside. They're saying we may have broken a record today, but the St. Louis weather is like a broken record every day. That's because on a scale of 1-10, practically every day the weather in St. Louis is a big ZERO.

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here!!

Turkeys

2008-11-20T15:17:00Z

November 20-- Well, "IT" is back. The dark, windy, freezing cold existence we all know as St. Louis weather. Better get those suicide hotlines ready.

Speaking of hotlines, what in the hell is it with all of these "Turkey Hotlines"? Next week is Thanksgiving, and everywhere I look there are ads, news stories, web pages and yes, telephone "hotlines" for people who are going to cook a turkey.

You would think that cooking a damn turkey was the equivalent of performing a human brain transplant.

I've probably cooked 20 turkeys in my life ( yes, I do all of the cooking in our family, but that's another entry ), and it's REALLY not that big of a deal!

Plus, do you really want to eat anything that was prepared by somebody who needed a hotline to make it?

"Gee Honey, this is great meatloaf. It probably would have been better though if you took it out of the wrapper before you cooked it. Wasn't there a meatloaf hotline?"

There are these so called "horror stories" about people under cooking turkeys. Or better, cooking the turkey before taking the guts and crap out of it.

I don't want these people making toast much less a turkey.

I'd really like to be one of the people who took the calls at the "Turkey Hotline".

CALLER: My entire family is coming over in 20 minutes. Should I take the turkey out of the freezer yet?

ME: Yes, yes you should. Take it out of the freezer and replace it with your cat. Then in 4 hours or so, between the two of you, YOU will finally have the higher I.Q.

Well, enjoy your Thanksgiving. When it comes to turkey I enjoy the really dark meat. It reminds me of the sky in St. Louis.

Until next time, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray!

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

Hurray, It's Christmas In October!!

2008-10-15T21:08:00Z

October 15, 2008--

It's 4:00 PM on October 15th and it's dark and raining. As usual.

Last Sunday it was actually a decent weather day, which is about as common as the Cubs winning the World Series.

I decided to use the rare occasion to clean up the debris from my yard which is the result of a summer filled with tornados, thunderstorms, hail and yes..hurricanes.

I brought the radio outside with me to keep me entertained and fired up the Christmas Carols.

Yes, Christmas Carols.

Along with St. Louis being the city with the worst weather, I believe we now hold the title of the city with the stupidest radio station.

There is actually a FM radio station here that in their sheer wisdom decided that the middle of "October" would be a good time to fire up the Christmas music. Even better, they seem to have decided to play it non-stop.

It was almost 80 degrees and humid. I was pulling pieces of my neighbor's lawn furniture out of my gutter.
And, in the background I'm waiting for "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" to fill the airwaves.

Since when is October 12th the "most wonderful time of the year"? Columbus Day was the following day, but along with being the dumbest holiday ever invented, Columbus Day certainly doesn't deserve "most wonderful time of the year" status.

"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas"? Well, guess what folks - it's going to have to be a helluva LONG dream because Christmas is over 2 and a half MONTHS away!

"Deck The Halls"? Nope, it's "OCTOBER" and probably a better time to power wash your DECK.

What happened to Halloween? Thanksgiving? Heck, why don't we just skip ahead and start gearing up for next year's 4th of July? At least then we could cancel the horrible upcoming St. Louis Winter.

St. Louis is officially the land of Another Day In The Gray and now is also officially the land of radio programing directors with little if any gray matter.

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"? Well, if he is - in "October", I sure hope it's to bring some common sense to a particular St. Louis radio station.

Until next week (or sooner if need be!),
I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray!

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

Man's Best Friend.

2008-10-06T16:06:00Z

October 6, 2008--

It's good to be back! I hope that you have survived the oppressive humid summer months, thunderstorms, tornados and lets not forget.... the after effects of Hurricane Ike!

Who would have thought that St. Louis, Missouri right in the middle of the United States would get to experience the tail end of a hurricane!?

Not me! That and the subsequent flooding, had me beaming with pride that St. Louis had topped itself once again on the weather sucks meter.

I say bring on the meteors!

Because of the thunderstorms, tornados, floods ( and hurricanes! ), my wife said we had to keep the damn dog inside.

As a result, since I last signed off in May until now our living room has become a hideous canine public toilet.

Our carpet has been peed and pooped on for 4 straight months, which has led me to wonder, who in the hell came up with the saying that-- dogs are man's best friend?

I'm a man. I have a dog. And, my dog is NOT my best friend.

I have a lot of true friends and none of them use my sofa as a urinal.

Think about it.

I can just imagine having a conversation with Ray, one of my "real" friends....

Ray:
Gee Todd, I'm really sorry to hear about your great grandmother falling down the elevator shaft, but I'm your "best" friend and I'm here if you need me....

Me:
Thanks Ray. I really appreciate that, man. But you know, talk is cheap.
No, If you were really my best friend you'd pee all over my throw rug.

Then you would bury your head in my kitchen garbage, so that you could gnaw and spew last night's chicken bones all over my home.

Then you would have an utter spastic meltdown because somebody was innocently walking past my house on the sidewalk.

Then finally, you would stop and go poop in the corner.

You see Ray, THAT is what a man's "BEST FRIEND" would really do.

Thunderstorms are on the way. Good thing I have the carpet cleaners on speed dial.

Lot's of fun stuff on the way! Until next week (or sooner if need be!),
I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray!

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

The Depression Is Back On October 6!!

2008-09-15T21:56:00Z

St.Louis Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-24T21:53:00Z

May 24-- Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Speaking of memory, the last Memorial Day weekend that I "remember" the weather being nice in St. Louis was 1990. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not.

And, just as dependable as Hillary Clinton saying something stupid, we have yet another miserable Memorial Day weekend!

Dark, windy, rain and even dang gum CHILLY!

Ah, yes! Let's fire up a St. Louis style Memorial Day weekend Bar-B-Que! Is it possible to Bar-B-Que hot chocolate and grill hearty winter beef stew in the rain though?

The stupid cheery neighbor that I mentioned in the past said to me, "Well, it's cold, dark and miserable, but at least we don't have to turn the air conditioners on yet!"

His head is in my tree.

The POOLS are opening in St. Louis this weekend too! I just can't think of a better way of enjoying dark, chilly weather than jumping into a swimming pool.

It's sort of like having a propane tank blow up in your face, then going to a tanning bed.

I have to say though, listening to the weather guy (guesser) this morning was the best.

All week long they've been "promising" that we were FINALLY going to have a nice weather weekend. Well, of course we don't, and this is what the guy says....

"Well, it's not our fault. It's because an "unexpected" thunderstorm in Kansas made it our way."

Wait just a MINUTE! I believe that pretty much ALL of our crappy St. Louis weather makes it's way through KANSAS before ruining yet another one of our days!

It's like saying, "OH BOY! It sure would have been nice to enjoy Happy Hour in the middle of the highway.... If only those damn "UNEXPECTED" semis hadn't turned us into roadkill!

Until Next Time I Hope you Survive Another Day In The Gray....

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

Good News, Bad News.

2008-05-14T00:55:00Z

May 13--Good news, bad news.

The good news is that I always wanted beach front property. The bad news is that our beach is the running water flooding our street.

I have to sincerely admit that when I started this site I NEVER imagined that our crap St.Louis weather could top my ever pessimistic expectations.

But, it does.

I used to say, " Well, it can't get any worse...."

But, it does.

I've really had it.

On Sunday, Mother's Day we had 50MPH winds with dark cold skies. Trees were blown out of their roots all over the region. Today, I fought giant hail and brutal thunderstorms trying to get my 4 year old to preschool, and it stays this way "EVERY GOD FORSAKEN DAY!"

Here's something that I found quite humorous. The St.Louis Rams recently signed Josh Brown as the their new kicker.
Josh Brown was formally the kicker for the "SEATTLE" Seahawks. One of Brown's recent comments to the St. Louis Post Dispatch revolved around how much RAIN we have here.

When, former a SEATTLE resident complains about the rain in ST.LOUIS I think it's time to move on.

The snow, rain, ice, total DARKNESS..... Well, I've had it.

To my good friends.....

Ray, in Tucson. Jim, in Albuquerque.

It's just a flip of the coin, but I'm ready to be your next neighbor.

Until next time I Hope you survive Another Day In The GRAY.

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

We Sure Could Use The Rain

2008-05-08T22:44:00Z

May 8- I've been gone for a pretty long time. That's because I've been doing impressions!
Here, try to guess what I am!...

I disappear for WEEKS with the possibility of NEVER returning.

Give up?

I'm the SUN in St. Louis!

Get it?

Everything is flooding from the constant rain again and of course it's dark and gray

On Saturday "MAY" 2nd I took the family to the Cardinals-Cubs game. There was a glorious sea of red and blue in the stands. Unfortunately, the colors were from snow parkas. Hi winds, cold temperatures and until late in the game GRAY skies. Ahhh.... SPRING !!

It's supposed to be total crap on Mother's Day too. Enjoy Moms!

Anyway, back to the rain. I'm watching the news last week and the weather guesser came on. We had experienced something like 4 brief seconds from the constant downpours and this idiot with a big stupid smile says, "More rain is on the way though." But here's the best part, he finishes by saying, "But, we could really USE the rain!"

REALLY USE THE RAIN??

It's rained practically NON-STOP since the damn snow melted! How could we USE the rain?? Does this moron need to fill his swimming pool?

WE COULD REALLY USE THE RAIN?

WHY? So we can go white water rafting in our cul-de-sacs?

WE COULD REALLY USE THE RAIN?

WHY? So our kids will be able to play with the wading ducks on the sidewalk??

I don't care if this non-stop drizzle falling from the sky was BEER! Enough is definitely ENOUGH!

No, instead of "We could really use the rain" It think the bonehead should have said, "I could really USE a BRAIN!"

There's no such thing as a stupid comment or question. Unless you're this stupid weather guesser--then you're a stupid PERSON too.

Until next time I Hope you survive Another Day In The GRAY.

E-Mail Todd

Buy Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

I'm Sorry, I Need To Make An Update

2008-04-18T17:52:00Z

April 18-- I'm sorry. If you don't mind I need to update an entry from last week. I was listing the various elements of our wretched St.Louis weather smorgasbord, which were....

"Snow, ice, hail, freezing rain, regular rain, thunderstorms, thunder snows, sub zero wind chills, plus 100 degree heat indexes, unbearable humidity, 100 mph winds, tornados, floods....."

However in my state of mental distress I left out EARTHQUAKES.

Ok, ok, Mr. Science. Earthquakes may not officially be weather related, but they certainly deserve a spot in the St. Louis environmental crap hall-of-fame.

Last night as we were snuggled in bed waiting with eager anticipation for the gray skies and more rain promised for today, the whole damn house started shaking. It was an Earthquake! I mean, come ON! Can this city EVER stop topping itself?

There will be some of you that will say, "Well, beautiful Southern California gets earthquakes," and you'd be right--they do. But, I briefly lived in Southern California and while they did have earthquakes, they DIDN'T have....

"Snow, ice, hail, freezing rain, regular rain, thunderstorms, thunder snows, sub zero wind chills, plus 100 degree heat indexes, unbearable humidity, 100 mph winds, tornados, floods!

I just don't see why St.Louis has to be such a total pig when it comes to doom and gloom. A friend of mine says that it's all a sign of the Apocalypse. I said no, it's just another day in St.Louis.

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff HERE.

The Dollar Store

2008-04-15T21:20:00Z

April 15-- As you know, it snowed on Sunday as part of St.Louis Weekend Weather Crapfest. I mentioned that if it did snow I was going to throw myself in front of a soccer mom's minivan. To keep my promise I did, but I'll admit that the van was parked.

On Saturday as it continued to rain non-stop, I decided to buy a new umbrella. I lose umbrellas more than the Rams lost football games last season, so I decide to buy the cheapest one I could find.

I had never been to a "Dollar Store" before, but I figured that it would be a prime spot for the cheapest umbrella on the planet.

The Dollar Store makes my neighbor's monthly garage sale look like Sacks Fifth Avenue.

I haven't seen so much worthless trash in one place since I cleaned out the trunk of my Mazda. And, here is the BEST part-- The Dollar Store has SECURITY CAMERAS!

I scanned the racks of turkey basters, potpourri balls, tiny Mexican senorita figurine salt shakers, and cellophane shower curtains, and they were all under constant surveillance by high priced security cameras!

It would be like having a security camera for your cat's litter box.

The only think I could think of was that if you were a thief willing to risk jail time for stealing from The Dollar Store you didn't have very high standards as a shoplifter.

As it turns out, The Dollar Store didn't have any umbrellas. But, they did have ice scrapers that were made in Haiti.

Those turned out to be useful on Sunday.

Until Next Time. I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St.Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE.

Our Wretched Weather Smorgasbord

2008-04-11T20:59:00Z

April 11--This may be my last entry. That's because tomorrow, APRIL 12 it is supposed to SNOW. If it does snow, on APRIL 12, I will seriously lose my mind and throw myself in front of a soccer mom's minivan.

As I write this the wind is gusting at about 100 mph. Neighbors trash cans are flying around the street like pinballs, and there is garbage everywhere.

I'm waiting for farm animals to start blowing by my window.

There is a saying in St.Louis, "If you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes and it will change." That saying actually holds true. If the weather in St.Louis is currently "bad", just wait 5 minutes and it will change to "God awful", then wait 5 more minutes and it will change to " I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I'M THROWING MYSELF IN FRONT OF A MINIVAN!!"

But back to our current amped up wind tunnel conditions.

I really don't know of another city that has such BAD weather in so MANY ways. It's truly a wretched weather smorgasbord.

Snow, ice, hail, freezing rain, regular rain, thunderstorms, thunder snows, sub zero wind chills, plus 100 degree heat indexes, unbearable humidity, 100 mph winds, tornados, floods..... It just goes ON and ON .

We have more bad weather conditions than a Chinese menu has food selections. Speaking of food, I suppose I should go fight the crowds at the grocery store who are anticipating the snow. I'm not going to buy food though. No, I'm going to go scope out the parking lot for minivans.

Until Next Time, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your Depressing St.Louis Weather Sucks Stuff HERE.

Coaches

2008-04-08T19:35:00Z

April 8--Well, it had to end and it did. I dreamt that it was sunny and beautiful the last few days, but I woke up and am now back to the reality of wet darkness.

I was flipping through the channels last night and came across the NCAA basketball championship game. I don't know too much about basketball, but have you ever noticed that most basketball coaches don't look like they've ever "played" basketball?

Most of them are short, stocky, bald guys. The players on the other hand are about 12 feet tall and have no body fat.

Look at Rick Majerus. He's the guy who coaches the St. Louis University basketball team. He also makes Brian Dennehy look anorexic. The man looks like he would be a good bowling or horseshoes coach, but "basketball"? I don't know. I hear that Rick Majerus is a good coach, but I sure can't picture him winning a slam dunking contest.

I got bored with the basketball game, so I flipped the channel to a baseball game. I didn't really care about the game, but then I started to wonder.... why do baseball coaches all dress up like their players? No other sport does this. What are they going to do? Run out of the dugout and pinch hit? It just doesn't make any sense.

Why don't we have hockey and football coaches dress up like their players? Even if the Rams stink again next year, it would be fun to see Scott Linehan coaching from the sidelines with a helmet and shoulder pads on.

I got tired of the baseball game, so I turned on the weather. The "official" guess was that it was going to be gray with severe thunderstorms and flash flooding today....and it is.

Yes, the dream was over.

Until next time, I hope that you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff HERE.

2 Words

2008-04-07T20:57:00Z

April 7-- Thank God.

That's really all I have to say today.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Shirts HERE.

Wheel Of Fortune

2008-04-04T15:04:00Z

April 4--BACK! Man, first my email is down all day on Wednesday and now I haven't been able to log on to this thing.

I'm blaming it on the weather.

Way back when, I did editorial cartoons for a newspaper in Southeast Missouri. One time I did a cartoon that a reader took particular offense to. He wrote me a letter saying, "that I should go stick my cartoon where the sun doesn't shine."

So, I brought it with me to St.Louis.

When is this going to end? Just constant gray, wet and dark days. It just never stops! I don't understand how something so bad can go on for so long. Sort of like Wheel Of Fortune.

Is that show EVER going to end? I mean, enough already! I think I remember listening to Pat Sajak's giant head when I was in the womb.

Here, let's play!

C NCEL THE DAMN SHOW.

Would you like to buy a vowel?

Let's play again.

ST. LOUIS WEATHER S CKS.

Would you like to buy another vowel?

Oh,well. The sun is supposed to be out all weekend. I'm supposed to win the lottery too.

Until Monday, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Shirts HERE.

Laser Hair Removal

2008-04-02T18:52:00Z

April 2-- Due to the weather being total crap lately, I've found myself trapped inside and listening to the radio much more.

In some ways that's good, because until now I never realized what a huge issue laser hair removal was. Have I been missing something, or has the entire female race suddenly become human Chia Pets?

The last time I looked, they appeared to be just fine.

But, every time I turn on the radio I hear a commercial for laser hair removal. And here is the best part--the commercials say that laser hair removal makes a great gift!

I'll be the first to admit that I've purchased some rather bad gifts for my wife over the years. But, I GUARANTEE you that if surprised her with the gift of laser hair removal for her birthday you would be reading my obituary shortly there after.

What are they thinking? I mean "how" would a guy even "give" a gift like laser hair removal?

"Happy anniversary Honey! You know, lately it seems like I've been sleeping with a pine tree. So! I decided to get you some laser hair removal for our anniversary! It was a real coin toss between that and gastric bypass surgery, so I hope I made the right choice."

....In lieu of flowers, the bludgeoned husband's family asks that donations be sent to a charity supporting mentally impaired husbands....

Nope. It just ain't gonna happen.

Contest News....

Somebody actually picked today for our first sunny day. But, the guy is a comedian and said April 2, 2012.

More rain is on the way-- go get your meds refilled!

Until next time, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Shirts HERE.

I Went To The Movies

2008-04-01T13:38:00Z

April 1-- I was going to begin with an April Fools Day joke, but the St.Louis weather is already the biggest joke there is.

Yesterday was opening (rainy) day for the baseball Cardinals. What a game, too! The Cardinals are up 5-1 over the Colorado Rockies. Albert Pujols had his first home run. Adam Wainwright was pitching well.......
and then dumpster loads of non-stop soaking rain thundered from the black sky ruining the game and the day for everybody who was there.

St. Louis Weather Sucks.

I needed to escape this dark and wet living hell, so I went to see the movie "21". I chose to see 21 because it deals with blackjack in Las Vegas.

It's always sunny in Las Vegas.

I've been to Vegas a couple of times. The last time I was there for a friend's wedding.

It's a pretty amazing place.

I was playing roulette at the MGM Grand casino and a women offered to sell me a Hummer for 200 bucks! However, in my state of Midwestern naiveté, I soon found out that the Hummers that she was selling were not of the automotive sort.

Needless to say, I am still driving a Mazda and am still happily married.

Anyway, back to 21. I thought 21 was a pretty good movie, but the local movie critics only gave it a "B". I'm pretty sure I know why they only gave it a B. It's because it didn't have subtitles or any actors with a "Sir" or "Dame" title before their name. I'm pretty sure that if the makers of "Under Dog" had added subtitles, the St.Louis movie critics would have considered it an art film.

If you need to escape the freezing swamp, I give 21 an A-.

It's going to keep raining until 2012 I believe, so good luck to those of you taking part in our stupid contest.
In the meantime, I'm going to go see the movie Drillbit Taylor. It's not supposed to be any good but it takes place in Santa Monica.

It's always sunny in Santa Monica.

Until next time, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks Stuff Here.

Oh, Boy. We're Having A Contest.

2008-03-31T19:25:00Z

March 31--It Was A Dark And Wintry Night....

No, wait. That was our weather all weekend.

It's the St.Louis Cardinals opening day today. Technically it's a day game, but since the sky is black and it's raining (like it always does) I think it should be considered a night game.

I really don't understand this whole Mexican illegal immigration thing. I was in Mexico last summer and this is an actual, 100% authentic picture that I took of the sky....

This is a picture of our sky....

I'm not really sure what they're thinking. Weather-wise it's sort of like trading in a Lexus for a pogo stick.

We're Going To Have A Contest Starting Tomorrow....

Whoever is the first reader to pick which day will be the next full sunny day in St.Louis wins a St.Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirt. It's first come, first served and no ties. Just be the first to reply with the correct date and you win. A full sunny day means at least 8 hours of actually being able to see the sun, which has been missing since gasoline was a dollar.

I'm sure nobody will win, since the sun is just a nostalgic memory, but try if you'd like.

Oh, my. I didn't think I could get any more depressed and a Miley Cyrus song just came on. I need to go play in traffic.

Until next time, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE.

Horoscopes

2008-03-28T16:20:00Z

March 28-- Well, it's almost the weekend! Time to get outside with the family and enjoy Spring in St.Louis. Just make sure to wear a Winter coat and bring a rain tarp!

The brief glimpse of the sun that we were supposed to see tomorrow has been canceled. In other words, the TV weather guessers got it wrong-- AGAIN.

I noticed recently that my horoscope in the newspaper is far more accurate than the TV weather forecasts. So, I have an idea. Instead of wasting everybody's time with a weather forecast that is about as possible as Ralph Nader becoming the next President, why not scrap the whole weather segment and replace it with our horoscopes?

My horoscope is usually about 50% correct. Given that the accuracy of St. Louis TV weather forecasts are about 0%, it seems like a no brainer.

So, instead of made up drivel like, "Thanks to a cool funnel system from the Northwest, we can expect SUNNY skies tomorrow." We would have, "If you're a Sagittarius, tomorrow might not be a good day to use a ladder."

Or, "A strong push from the Gulf is going to give us WARMER temperatures next week!" Sure, and I'm going to get mistaken for Brad Pitt at the grocery store.

No, instead we'd have, "Hey Virgo! Today is the day to make new friends and re-connect with that special someone."

Yes, I like this type of news much better.

Well, I hope you still enjoy your weekend. I know I will!

Even though the forecast says warmer temperatures are on the way--and they're not. My horoscope says, "the unexpected will happen and my partner will see things from my perspective."

Looks like I don't have to clean the garage this weekend after all!

Until Monday, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray!

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE.

The Show Me State

2008-03-27T14:06:00Z

March 27-- If water boarding torture is inhumane, then so is having to live in St. Louis. I've never seen so much damn water in my entire life. Rain, rain, rain, rain, and MORE RAIN.

AHHHHH! I'm losing my mind!

We have a nifty little motto here in Missouri, where St.Louis,"Home Of The Crappiest Weather In The World" is parked. The motto for Missouri is we're the "Show Me" state. Well, I think it's time for us to amend the stupid motto. Let's make it the "Show Me--THE FRIGGIN SUN" state. That would be far more appropriate.

It would look nice on our license plates, which by the way already features WATER.

St.Louis came in second place for the most dangerous city in the United States recently. Second place is the first to lose-we need to try harder! Do you know why St.Louis is so dangerous? It's because if you walk outside you'll DROWN trying to breath the air! You need scuba gear to walk your dog.

There are some good things about St.Louis though. If you live here you really don't have to worry about getting skin cancer from the sun. Hell, you don't even have to worry about getting a sunburn.

Well, I'm off to run in the rain. Thanks to the St.Louis weather I'm into cross training now. Along with running, I've been able to add swimming to my exercise routine. Plus, the neat thing is I get to swim "while" I'm running!

The weather guesser said the sun may be making a 2 second appearance on Saturday. But, I say Show Me!

Until then, I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE.

Free Screen Saver Day

2008-03-26T21:14:00Z

March 26-- It's dark, raining, thundering, lightning.... In other words, just another typical day of crappy weather in St. Louis. Enjoy Free Screen Saver Day.

I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray.

Click HERE For Download Page

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St.Louis Weather Stinks T-Shirts HERE.

Sam's

2008-03-25T19:44:00Z

March 25-- The weather guessers promised sunny skies with temperatures in the mid 60's today! But, it's cloudy and cold.

It's supposed to rain for the next 4 days--there's a big surprise. To prepare for this week's flood, I decided to go up to the Sam's Club and stock up on bunch of junk that will probably rot in my refrigerator when the power goes out during the storms.

I like most things about Sam's. You have to like a place where you can buy a giant 8 pound jar of olives and new set of snow tires in one location. What I don't like about Sam's are all of the food sample tables. Not that I have anything against the samples themselves. I'm sure that the cheese filled, bacon wrapped meatballs are great. No, it's the hordes of people who are literally killing each other trying to get their hands on a pill cup filled with Jimmy Dean sausage dip.

Most of these people tend to come in two varieties-- "elderly" or "sperm whales driving electric shopping carts."

I was loading a 2 gallon tub of pasta sauce into my cart, which was the smallest size available, when behind me I heard, "EXCUSE me!"

I turned around, and in front of me was what looked like a 50 year old Sumo wrestler drag queen squeezed into an electric shopping scooter.

"You're BLOCKING my path to the little smokies topped bagel pizza samples," she snorted.

I stared at her closely. I think it made her nervous, but I couldn't really tell because her eyes were smothered in the layers of fat falling off of her forehead.

Her legs didn't seem to be broken. She just seemed to be a very large mammal the size of Kansas, whose only exercise was probably waddling to the fridge to get another moon pie.

As I moved out of the way, she crashed into the samples like a milk cow riding a freight train. The elderly man with his pants pulled up to his chest probably never knew what hit him.

As I stood in the line at the exit door waiting for the confused Sam's man to color my receipt with his marker, I was really hoping that our power would stay on during the storms. I didn't want to come back to Sam's for a while. But if I do, I'm bringing a big fat elderly person that I can ride shotgun with on an electric shopping cart.

I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE!!

Spring

2008-03-24T13:42:00Z

March 24--Ahhhh, Spring! Yesterday was Easter Sunday. When I think of Easter Sunday I think of trees and flowers blooming, warmer weather, bright sunny skies and just a feeling of "newness" in the air.

Here in St. Louis it snowed.

Yep, it really did! On top of that, a large area of our city known as Another Day In The Gray is under water. Thanks to all of the non-stop rain last week an entire region was flooded. The water was so damn high that it went over a highway overpass!

Then it got really cold again.

Yep, it did that too! After people lost their homes to 40 foot high water, highways being shut down because they were covered with mud filled goop, and children running around looking for Easter eggs--in the SNOW, the crappy St.Louis weather decided to go one step further and drop the temperatures to below freezing!

So there I was, once again trying to scrape the rock hard ice off of my car this morning, and the only thing I could think of was.... Ahhh, Spring!

Until next time I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Sucks T-Shirts HERE.

Easter

2008-03-20T14:14:00Z

March 20--The sun is out for a few hours. This would be a good time to get in your boat and paddle around your neighborhood for a while.

This may be my last entry until Monday. That's because if the St.Louis tide recedes, I'll be attending my 3 year old's preschool Easter egg hunt tomorrow.

Where did this tradition begin? I mean, it's the holiest Christian holiday of the year and we celebrate it by making our children run around a field looking for hardboiled stained chicken embryos. I don't think it's a coincidence that this little ritual follows so closely to St. Patrick's Day.

I'm pretty sure that whoever came up with it was drunk.

I mean, imagine a bunch of religious leaders way back when getting hammered on St.Patrick's Day discussing how to celebrate Easter....

"So, Father Joseph, I say that for Easter we have a ceremony featuring music and a symbolic candlelight vigil...."

"NONSENSE Father Luke (belch)! I say we paint a bunch of breakfast food and hide it in the trees and bushes for the little ones to find!"

So, there it is and there I'll be. I'm just sorry that when they decided on which breakfast food to color and hide they chose "eggs". I like bacon much better.

Until Monday.... I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your St. Louis Weather Stinks T-Shirts Here!!

Jumpers

2008-03-19T13:39:00Z

March 19-- As I stood on the 16th floor window ledge of my friend Dan's office building, the window below me slowly opened. The dental hygienist from the office below climbed out and reached up to me. "You're not going to stop me,"
I said. "I'm jumping."

"I'm not trying to stop you," she replied. "I want to jump first!"

It has been raining non-stop for the past 24 hours.

Everything is flooded and people are being evacuated! Evacuating from St.Louis to middle of the Pacific Ocean would be drier at this point. Everybody with me now!.... "St. Louis Weather Sucks!"

In a sick and depraved way it's actually comical. There were times when I thought I would run out of things to write about the horrible St. Louis weather. But I gotta tell you, this is easier than playing basketball against a midget.

I have a cheery neighbor. The type of cheery you want to slap. I told him that if I don't freeze to death or drown in my driveway during the next few weeks, that I'm going to get away to someplace that is even "remotely" more enjoyable than St.Louis.

He made some sort of "hoot" noise, then with a chuckle said, "You know Todd! The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence!"

I agreed with him. That's because the only thing on the other side of my fence is a moat.

I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Click Here For St.Louis Weather Stinks T-Shirts!!

Happy Days! We Have A Monsoon!

2008-03-18T13:33:00Z

March 18-- There has been some debate over whether this site should be named St.Louis Weather Stinks or St. Louis Weather Sucks. Today, there is no debate--it's St. Louis Weather "Sucks".

As we turn the page to the next chapter of this living hell known as St.Louis winter 2008, we are treated to a flash flood! The snow is gone and now we just have rain. But, not just any rain. Nope, we have monsoon rain! I'm pretty sure that by lunchtime I'll be out fishing for bass-- in my backyard!

I just found out that our basement leaks too! The neighborhood kids love our basement because we own every possible toy known to mankind. Right now, our basement looks like a Toy-R-Us that had been dumped into a pond. I never realized that G.I. Joe could float.

Oh yeah, it's still dark. I always wondered what it was like to be in Alaska where during certain times of the year it was nighttime around the clock. Well, I won't be going to Alaska, because now I know!

Do they still have SunGlass Hut, the sunglass store here in St.Louis? If they do, what a WASTE! Sunglasses in St. Louis are about as useful as mens nipples. Nope, if SunGlass Hut is still around they might want to start dusting off the Going Out Of Business Sign, right now.

Well, I'm off to find the life-jackets so the kids can go swimming in the basement when they get home. I'd say that today's weather stinks more than normal, but no-- today it definitely sucks.

I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray.

Side Note-- This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but have you heard that new Alicia Keys song, "No One"?
I have never in my life heard wild elk mating, but if I did--I'm pretty sure it would sound like that.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your "Official" St. Louis Weather Stinks (Today Sucks!) Stuff Here.

A Midwestern Feeling Of Despair

2008-03-17T13:54:00Z

March 17-- Happy St. Patrick's Day. Sorry if you had to go to the parade on Saturday.

Looking outside, you'll see that today it's not Another Day In The Gray, It's another day in the BLACK! Just DARKNESS and RAIN. The weather guesser says it should last ALL week. "May I have some Prozac with my green beer please?"

The reason that the weather is a perfect "10" on the CRAP meter, is that it's supposedly from some sort of "Tropical Depression".

"Tropical" and "Depression". Those are two terms that just don't GO together. Sort of like "Hillary" and "President Of The United States".

When I think tropical, I think of peaceful beaches and warm sunny skies. Not depression. So instead of tropical depression, I think we should say that this horrible weather is being caused by a "Midwestern Feeling Of Despair".

Yes, that's much more like it.

MERCY!! Just had a big CLAP of thunder and the dog pooped on the couch. Looks like I'm going to have to cut this entry short!

I hope you live though Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Get Your "Official" St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff Here!!

The Parade

2008-03-14T19:58:00Z

March 14-- I just returned from a St. Pat's function that turned out to be one of the most inappropriate and politically incorrect gatherings that I have ever been to. I loved every minute of it.

There is a bit of concern over tomorrow's weather forecast of possible rain and snow. That's because it may effect the "parade".

I'm going to get right to the point. Parades are dumb.

Here in St. Louis we have an annual St. Patrick's Day Parade. It involves watching bald and overweight Elks Club members waving to you from the flatbed of a truck, and grown men wearing monkey hats driving around in go karts.

It's a lot like a bad acid dream you'd have back in college.

Yes, there are celebrities involved. But, it's not like an astronaut or Gary Coleman celebrity. Instead, we have St. Louis celebrities. The woman who dresses up in costumes and does carpet commercials on cable TV is a "St. Louis" celebrity.

Enough said.

But every year, on the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day people flock to downtown St. Louis to watch The Lawn Chair Marching Band and the guy who does the overnight weather wave from the backseat of a Lincoln Town Car.

I was at the parade last year, because I ran in the 5 mile race that was earlier. I won't be running the race this year though, but that's another story.

There was a guy named Dale, wearing overalls and sitting on the street curb with a cooler and his beautiful family. He said that they had all gotten there at 5 AM to make sure that they had a good view of the "parade" that started at noon.

Dale needs to get a life.

No, I won't be in downtown St. Louis this Saturday. Actually, I may go back out to Castlewood State Park.
I'm pretty sure that I won't meet any off the wall people this time though. They'll probably all be at the "parade".

Until Monday, I Hope You Survive Another Day In The Gray !!

E-Mail Todd

Click "Here" To Get Your "Official" St.Louis Weather Stinks Stuff !!

Lunch In The Park

2008-03-13T13:35:00Z

March 13-- It's gray again. Yesterday, during our brief experience of sun I thought it would be fun to eat lunch outside.
So, I packed a peanut butter sandwich and Budweiser tall boy and headed up to the park.

The picnic tables in the park had all been stacked up for winter, except for one by the giant sliding board. A woman and her young son were sitting at the end, but I asked if they would mind if I sat down. She said "no", so I popped open my Bud and unwrapped my sandwich.

"What are you eating?" the woman asked. "A peanut butter sandwich," I replied. The woman shot from the bench like she had just received a jet fuel enema. "You have to MOVE!" she yelped. "My son is allergic to NUTS!"

"I'm sorry," I mumbled with peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth. "Would it be OK if I just moved further down?"

"NO!" she insisted. "What kind of BREAD is that on your sandwich?"

"It's stale white bread," I replied.

"Leave NOW!" she screamed, waking up the old man in his pajamas sleeping next to the restroom. "My son is ALSO allergic to GLUTEN! He's on a STRICT gluten free diet!"

I tried to explain that I didn't plan to share my sandwich with her son, but at that point, he starting bouncing around and chasing his butt under the table. "What the hell is he doing?" I asked.

"He has A.D.D." she said. "Attention Deficit Disorder. That's why he's not in school right now. We're going to the doctor. He can't pay attention in class and gets terrible grades!"

I told her I had the same problem as a kid, but they just diagnosed me as being "stupid". Franticly, she pulled her rather defective child from under the table and stormed off, tripping in the rubber mulch pit on the way.

I finished my sandwich and sat on the swing with my 24 oz tall boy. A five year old with dried snot under his nose asked me what I was drinking. "A Bud tall boy," I replied. "And if you're allergic you can just go play on the slide."

Rain AND possible snow on the way! I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray !!

E-Mail Todd

Click HERE For Your " Official " St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff!!

Goofy Scientists

2008-03-12T14:02:00Z

March 12-- Enjoy the sun while you can because we're expecting storms tomorrow. Surprise. Surprise.

Speaking of the sun, I read in yesterday's St. Louis Post-Dispatch that 2 goofy scientists have spent a bunch of time writing a report supporting their findings that in 7.59 BILLION years the earth will get sucked into and eaten by the sun.

That seems like a pretty easy way to come up with scientific theory. Spend a bunch of time and probably grant money for a long winded scientific study, but tell us we can't expect it for 7.59 BILLION years. I mean, come on guys, even when the weather guys predict the forecast they put a 5 day cap on it.

It's not like we're going to be standing around in 7.59 BILLION years saying, "Well! They got it WRONG again!" In fact, if you're going to speculate on something that includes a time frame with the word BILLION in it, you're pretty safe theorizing about "anything".

Heck, I can do that! After extensive study and research I have concluded that.... in 2.4 BILLION years donkeys will fly and that the entire human race will no longer exist due to an earlier chain reaction caused solely by a soccer mom, driving a mini-van while talking on her cell phone.

May I have my Grant check, please?

Want to call me on it? Fine, if I'm wrong and you're still around to prove it, you can have my St.Louis Weather Stinks T-Shirt. It will be fitting to wear a few BILLION years later when you're getting eaten up by the sun.

Until we have to survive Another Day In The Gray.

E-Mail Todd

Click HERE For Your "OFFICIAL" St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff!!

Baseball

2008-03-11T14:24:00Z

March 11-- I wasn't a very good baseball player as a kid. I was able to throw the ball and catch it every so often, but when it came to hitting the ball I really stunk. In fact, I struck out almost every time. If there were 2 outs and I came up to bat most of the fielders would just walk off the field. They knew their services weren't going to be needed if I was at the plate.

Then, on a hot and humid summer day the impossible happened. It was my turn to bat and I stepped up to the plate. As the other team rolled their eyes and yelled, "easy out and loser!" I raised my spotless un-dented aluminum bat.
As the pitcher released the first pitch I shut my eyes, like I always did, and swung. As usual, it was a strike. The second pitch followed and this time when I swung, instead of swatting at humid air I heard and felt a sharp "ping". I had made contact with the ball!

The ball plopped into the outfield and began to roll directly to Danny Gellman! While I was a terrible hitter, Danny Gellman was by far a worse fielder. He picked up the ball with his pudgy fingers and attempted to throw. However, Danny threw the ball like he had been born without a thumb. Over and over Danny would throw or "push" the ball a few feet as I ran the bases. Finally, Danny threw his glove off the field and yelled something at his Dad for making him play this stupid game. I slid into home plate, even though I didn't have to. It was an in the park home-run!

And that's a lot like our St. Louis weather for supposedly the next few days.

Even though our weather is guaranteed to strike out almost every single day, sometimes, just sometimes by an improbable act of God we hit a home run. It's supposed to be sunny and almost 70 degrees by tomorrow. But I'd enjoy it if I were you. If it means anything, I never got another hit again.

Until we have to survive another day in the gray....

E-Mail Todd

Get Your "OFFICIAL" St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff HERE!!

The Plumber

2008-03-10T14:02:00Z

March 10-- Ever since this stinking, freezing winter began we haven't had any water pressure in our downstairs bathroom. Being the procrastinator that I am, I finally called a plumber.

Last night I received a call from their service operator informing me that the plumber would be here today. Sometime between NOON and FOUR.

So today, I'm stuck in the house again. Waiting and waiting and waiting, then waiting some more.

I'm illustrating a new book right now. I'm going to be speaking with the author later today and when he asks me when I should have things wrapped up I'm going to say, "Sometime between NOW and 2094." That would certainly make my life much easier.

The kids really want to go to Disney World too. We're trying to put something together for this summer, but we're juggling a lot right now. So, the next time my 3 year old runs into the room with his mouse ears on, wanting to know when we're going I'm just going to say, "Don't worry! We're going to Disney World-- sometime between THIS WEEKEND and your 100th BIRTHDAY."

Yep, this new way of scheduling is going to eliminate a lot of stress in my life.

So, I'll wait for the plumber to show up whenever it's convenient for him. It will be nice to have water pressure again.
And, when he's finished and asks for the check, I'm just going to say, "Oh, you'll get it..sometime between tomorrow and February 2009!"

I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

Click HERE For Your Official St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff!!

E-Mail Todd Here.

No Groceries

2008-03-07T18:46:00Z

March 7-- I'm running late today. That's because I've been in "meetings". Here's a meeting fun fact for you! 140% of absolutely everything discussed in endless sit down meetings could be accomplished in a 5 minute phone call.

It was supposed to really snow today, but it didn't. That's too bad, because my wife's hair stylist Brandi left a message that if it snowed she was going to have to cancel her appointments. It didn't though, and now we can't buy groceries next week.

The reason being, is that it costs $75 for my wife to get her hair cut. I love my wife very much, but when I get my hair cut it only costs $12, with a tip.

It just doesn't make sense to me why women's haircuts cost so much more than men's. I mean, if my wife had an extremely enormous head, like the size of a tool shed, then yes I could justify charging $75 to cut the hair on it.

But she doesn't. In fact, our heads are pretty much the same size, but her head costs six times as much to cut as mine. So thanks to Brandi we're eating Honey Nut Cheerios and canned tuna all week. I think I'm going to call Brandi up and tell her I think her name sounds like a stripper.

Finally, thank you so much to John Pertzborn and Patrick O'Brien of Fox 2 TV, Courtney Landrum and Phillips and Company of Y98 Radio and again Mark Reardon of KMOX Radio right here in the land of Another Day In The Gray who have given such wonderful promotion to our depressing site.

St. Louis' weather may stink, but St. Louis' media are the greatest!

Going to be a big weekend-- It's Daylight Savings Time! That means that starting Sunday we all get an extra hour of GRAY!

Until Monday, I hope you survive Another Day In Gray.

Get Your Official St. Louis Weather Stinks Stuff HERE.

Going Gray

2008-03-06T15:04:00Z

March 6-- It's suppose to snow again tomorrow. Where is the damn global warming when you need it?
Boy, I hate the weather in this town. But, you know that by now.

I get these emails saying, "Todd! Why do you hate St. Louis so much?" I don't hate St. Louis. I hate the St. Louis weather. Sort of like Ellen DeGeneres. She seems to be a fun and enjoyable person--I just wouldn't want to see her naked.

Speaking of global warming, everybody seems to be going "green" these days.
Who came up with the term "going green"? The last time I went green was when my wife made stir fry.

Besides, we live in St. Louis.

Folks in St. Louis don't go green, we go gray. Take a look outside. Do you see anything green?
Nope, just gray. We recycle our newspapers and that seems to mean that we're going "green".
What color are newspapers? Gray! I just don't get it.

I'm going to start a new movement called "Going Gray". Maybe Al Gore will make a movie about it.
We could name it "An Inconvenient Truth". No wait, that's already taken. I think it's the slogan for whoever wins the Democratic Party....Just kidding!!

Until next time.... I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

--Thanks to everybody who bought a shirt. My son just might be able to attend a cheap community college!
Official St.Louis Weather Stinks Stuff--Click Here

Coats

2008-03-05T17:03:00Z

March 5-- I was driving my 3 year old to preschool today and noticed that teenagers don't wear coats anymore.
It's 20 degrees outside with sky high snow, and all of the high school students standing around waiting for the bus just had t-shirts on. This slightly concerns me a bit.

I was never the brightest student growing up. I even got a "D" in 10th grade algebra. But, if it was 20 degrees outside with mountains of snow I pretty much knew it was a good day for a "coat".

At the next corner there was another group of tomorrow's finest waiting for the bus and in this group several of the young men had their underpants hanging out. Their pants were half way down their butts so we all could check out their favorite boxer shorts--in the snow.

I was never the smartest kid growing up. I even got a "D" in 12th grade biology. But, if it was 20 degrees outside with monstrous hills of snow I pretty much knew it was a good day for a "belt".

I pulled up to the preschool and my son hopped out of the car with his coat and belt on. He said today was "numbers" day and that they were learning how to "count to 10". I walked him to the door and told him to "enjoy his knowledge while he could", because someday he'll be in high school and most likely not even be smart enough to wear a coat and belt in the Winter.

I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray.

Official St.Louis Weather Stinks Stuff -- Click Here

Official Junk

2008-03-04T21:35:00Z

Get Your Depressing Stuff HERE!

The Worst Day Of My Life

2008-03-04T16:46:00Z

March 4-- When I was 8 years old I had a pretty bad bicycle accident. I was with a group of friends and we were racing down a hilly street we referred to as "Suicide Mountain". I had the old Schwinn up to about 20 MPH and then I hit a rock. Suddenly, I was airborne and about to make direct impact with a parked Buick-- which I did. It was before the days of helmets and needing body pads just to cross the street, and suddenly I was a bumper sticker.

I remember laying on ground with blood all over my head thinking, "This is the worst day of my life," and it was.

Until Today.

My studio is on the second floor and I believe the snow will be up to my window in about 15 more minutes. The wind is blowing so hard that the crap isn't even "falling". Instead it's crashing in, up, down, backwards, forwards and sideways.
The kids are home again and running around the house like rabid hyenas on speed and the dog just peed on the floor. By the time the snow ends I'll probably get to experience my first avalanche. I just never expected for it to be in my front yard.

Right now, I'd like to go smash my head against a parked Buick. Unfortunately, I can't because it's buried under 12 feet of snow.

I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray. I think my own chances are 50/50.

Our Hike

2008-03-03T15:50:00Z

March 3-- Well, I hope you enjoyed our 8 minutes of sunshine because now we're expecting something like 20 feet of snow! We're going to start out with freezing rain and sleet though, so make sure you enjoy that before moving on to the main course.

For our brief freak of nature known as the sun, my wife thought it would fun to pack up our 3 year old and pry our 12 year old from the Playstation and go on a HIKE!

My oldest son expressed the same excitement as the time he had to get a tetanus shot. My 3 year old had never been on a hike and didn't know what to expect, but given that his legs are only about 14 inches long I knew that this was going to be a true family memory.

We drove out to this place that we'd never been to called "Castlewood State Park." Sounded sort of regal--but it wasn't!
Within minutes it became quite obvious that this living hell known as Winter had dropped the IQ of everybody in this freezing city lower than the wind chill.

Most of the wording on the signs in Castlewood State Park included visuals. This is fine I suppose if you're illiterate or visiting from Uruguay, but the messages themselves seemed to suggest that most of the visitors to Castlewood State Park were not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

For example, this sign features friendly silhouettes of a Father (I hope) holding hands with a little girl as they walk down the middle of a train track. The message reads "Railroad Tracks Are Not Trails And Not Part Of The Park."

Well, thank YOU for pointing THAT out! I looked around for other signs warning against Trapeze Swinging From Electrical Lines and Jumping Into The River With Bricks In Your Pockets and then decided it was time for us to go.

The next time the sun comes out for a few seconds I'M making the plans, and it involves sitting in my backyard with a cold beer.

I mentioned on Friday how Scott The Window Guy saved my life. As we all know, Another Day In The Gray also means another day of darkness. However, the windows in my studio are old and made things darker than usual. As a result, I found myself crying a lot.

So, I got in touch with my buddy Scott The Window Guy and he replaced my studio windows in no time! Now, when I sit at my drawing board gazing at the St. Louis sky I see this--

Thanks Scott! He'll be happy to help you too, I bet! Give him a quick call at 314-280-6241. Hey, I'm selling out!!

Get those shovels and a buttload of salt ready because the Thunder Snow is on the way!
Until next time I hope you survive Another Day In The Gray!

Leap Year

2008-02-29T15:55:00Z

February 29-- What are you doing reading this?? It's February 29, the only day every 4 years that the sun actually comes out. And, it did!

Grab your camera and shoot away! I'm going to go try to buy some sunglasses, but I don't think they sell them in St. Louis anymore.

Gray skies are supposed to be back shortly, but in the meantime go stare at the sun! Not directly though or you'll go blind.
In the event that the sun is only out for a few minutes, I'll be back. Otherwise, if you see some guy running half naked
and screaming with joy down the shoulder of Highway 270, be sure to honk-- It's me!
Check back on Monday to find out how Scott The Window Man saved my life!

Don't worry--Soon enough it'll be Another Day In The Gray!

Iggy's

2008-02-28T15:09:00Z

February 28-- I was looking forward to barbecuing the other night. I went out to light the grill and then I remembered that it was still the crappy St. Louis Winter. So, we went to Iggy's.

Iggy's is a new Mexican place not far from our house. This is good because we'll probably be stranded in more snow soon and have some place to crawl to.

Both my 12 year old and 3 year old were starving because they hadn't eaten in over 20 minutes. I've noticed that reacting to hunger varies by age. While my 12 year old sulked and mumbled some profane rap song, my 3 year old stuck a margarita lime in his nose. Regardless, we needed food fast.

We looked over the menus and when I mentioned to my oldest that the kid's menu went up to 12 years old, he said something like, "Yo, go choke on yo bling." So, my wife and I along with our starving 12 year old ordered quesadillas and my youngest was happy with a hamburger off the "kid's'" menu.

And then, we waited.

Time seemed to stand still as my two offspring melted down before our eyes. While the next batch of bad weather was on the way, I was thinking about going outside to stand in it.

Finally, our waitress showed up with food. But, I say "food" because it wasn't "our" food, or at least not the food we ordered. Rather than $7 quesadillas and a cheap burger. We each were presented with something named like the "Mucho Grande Mexican Big Ass Fajita Meal". Each serving of which could have kept some third world nations well fed for months.

When I tried to explain to our waitress that this wasn't what we ordered my 12 year old stopped me short with, "GIVE ME THE DAMN TORTILLAS!"

So, we ate it.

The wind was beginning to blow pretty hard outside and I wanted to get going. The waitress brought our bill and it was quite a bit more than what we had planned to spend on quesadillas! As I was trying to figure out how I could cash in my retirement IRA to pay it, I mentioned that we didn't even order any of this stuff. She thought for a moment, then said she would see what she could do. Several minutes later she showed up with her manager, which by the way is it just me or do all restaurant managers look like the same guy?

He said to me, "How about if I take $3 off your bill?" Three dollars I thought! Wow, that's like taking a shot glass of water out of the Pacific ocean! He refused to budge saying, "That's the best he would do." Then it occurred to me that this was brilliant! What a great way to increase sales! Regardless of what anybody orders, taco, lime wedge, glass of water.... forget about it and bring them the "Mucho Grande Mexican Big Ass Fajita Meal" and charge them full price!

As we were driving home I began to think about the new St. Louis Weather Stinks and St. Louis Weather Sucks shirts that just went on sale. My wife asked me if I really thought I'd make any money off them. But now, I know I will! Anybody who orders a shirt, is now also going to receive an extra ice scraper, umbrella, coffee mug, toilet plunger and soap on a rope too!

Just be ready to pay FULL price!

Wishing you the best as you spend Another Day In The Gray.

My Mom

2008-02-27T17:01:00Z

February 27-- It snowed again and the darkness lingers on. Refresh my memory, but was Bill Clinton still in The White House the last time we saw the sun?

I love my Mom. Even though I'm a fully grown man with a family of my own, she still cares and worries about me like I was off to my first day of school.

I'm a runner and recently my Mom said, "I don't think you should run when the weather is bad." I explained to her that if I only ran when the weather was nice in St. Louis, I'd get to run about as often as Rosie O'Donnell won a figure skating competition.

Her mind didn't seem to be at ease so I made her a promise.

"Mom," I said. "I'll make you a deal. I promise not to enter any kick boxing matches or juggle burning torches in my living room unless the weather in St. Louis is absolutely beautiful."

She still didn't seem at ease, but I don't think I need to worry about having my jaw broken or upping my home owners insurance for a long, long time.

Wishing you sanity and survival in Another Day In The Gray!

Iggy's story still on the way!

Faces

2008-02-26T16:14:00Z

February 26-- Damn! It doesn't get any better than this.

We have rain turning to snow, high winds and of course that trademark darkness! If we could throw in a tornado or flash flood this would be like golfing an 18! I don't want to be greedy though!

Do you ever notice the faces people make when they're getting blasted head on by a bone chilling wind? I'm sitting in my car at a red light the other day when this older couple crosses the street. The wind was gusting at about 200 mph and the wind chill was about 8 below zero. They were taking a direct hit to their mugs and I gotta tell you, I couldn't make facial expressions like they were if one of Michael Vick's pit bulls was having my left butt cheek for lunch! Man this has been a GREAT St. Louis Winter!

Wishing you success and survival in Another Day In The Gray.

Check back tomorrow to read about how we got screwed at the new Iggy's Mexican joint!